12: Dark Post

A lunch date results in some unintended consequences. Claire is getting weirder and Judith is not feeling it. Meanwhile, Adam is out on his super cool motorcycle ruining Owen’s day in more way than one.
CONTENT WARNINGS: the occult, hauntings/the paranormal

[SFX: beep. YouTube video]

CLAIRE: Hello my darlings. It’s so gorgeous outside, I just had to escape the studio. It’s the kind of day here where I just want to spend it in the heat. When was the last time you have been able to enjoy the world in uninterrupted silence? In pristine clarity? It’s hard to escape the sounds of everything around you. There is so much chatter, so much noise. Everything around us can be overwhelming, dirty, crowded, foul, and you know what? Our minds can be this way as well. When we get caught up in thoughts that we’re worthless, or useless, that is the voices of others, the voice of others with poisonous expectations that has rooted itself in your head. Because my dears, you are beautiful. You are strong, and you are wanted, just as you are. This is a little silly, but I wrote this poem on a day when I was feeling especially lost, and I thought it might resonate with some of you:

Unbroken ground

is only a place

to cleave open

no longer bound

To the fading light,

become anew let the glow within


Open the passages that

burn bright.

I reach inside

The pulsating warmth

We will break new ground.

And we will welcome you home.

Thanks so much for holding space for me, darlings. Now, before we get into some of the basics of how we can connect through guided meditation, I want to talk about the importance of the mind-body connection-

[SFX: beep. Outside, suburban strip mall]

OWEN: Ok, that’s on. Is that it?

JUDITH: Uh, according to my phone, yes. The Kenna Centre… used to be there. Not anymore. [sigh]

OWEN: Nope, that is definitely a Korean restaurant.

JUDITH: Not even the bad mural was spared. I don’t know, I think because Claire had mentioned it, I had hoped that this would be a lead, y’know? Like, I knew this is what we would find, but… maybe part of me hoped that coming here would cause some sort of miraculous mental breakthrough.

OWEN: We can still get lunch. It’ll be better than whatever they used to serve in their cafeteria. Lettuce wraps, probably. Carob, definitely.

JUDITH: Yeah… I guess there was a hope that maybe… something would be left.

OWEN: Hey, this is valuable land that could be turned into Rexall’s and A&Ws. And it was on the way to Costco, so there was no harm in us taking a look.

JUDITH: Yeah. What else do people in their 30s do on weekends?

OWEN: Fix their houses?

JUDITH: Neither of us can afford a house and the only house either of us has been around lately would probably collapse in on us out of spite.

OWEN: Take care of their children?

JUDITH: Would you trust either of us with a baby?

OWEN: I’d be a great dad.

JUDITH: And I agree, although might I recommend not procreating until we are 100% sure that no one related to some sort of fiery death cult will turn us into pork cracklings.

OWEN: Whatever, they’ll have to wait until I’m done running errands. I need 40L of olive oil and enough rice to last me until I’m 50s.

JUDITH: I’m also getting olive oil so I call dibs on trunk space.

OWEN: Should we have rented a bigger car?

JUDITH: I mean, what else are you planning on getting?

OWEN: Couscous, almond butter, corn chips. I was also thinking about buying a paddleboard.

JUDITH: Really?

OWEN: I don’t know, I’ve seen people on them at Sunnyside. It looks… fun?

JUDITH: I’m going to have to hitchhike back, aren’t I?

OWEN: [pause]

JUDITH: If I’m getting forced to subway home because of a paddle board, then you are buying lunch.

[SFX: beep, restaurant]

OWEN: You know, if you’re not going to eat that, I will gladly take it.

JUDITH: It’s all yours.

OWEN: Thank you. What’s up? You seem quiet.

JUDITH: I’m just thinking. Like… what are the chances there’s anything left of the old center here? Could there be anything in there that would help us learn more about the Family of Fire?

OWEN: Uh, not super likely? It’s still the same building though, right?

JUDITH: Yeah, I checked and while they obviously have reno’d it, it’s almost the same layout, minus the expanded kitchen.

OWEN: Well… looks like we’re SOL up here. The only option is to start flipping over tables and I seriously doubt the other diners would be ok with that.

JUDITH: Yeah. What about the basement?

OWEN: Huh? Oh, uh… ok, I guess? … Jude?


OWEN: You’re doing that thing again.

JUDITH: What thing?

OWEN: The thing where you go quiet and you’re like, “Ahhh yes, time to silently mull over a questionable plan.”

JUDITH: … and if I am?

OWEN: I should probably eat faster.

JUDITH: Don’t choke. I’m going to go to the bathroom.

OWEN: Ok. [SFX: Judith gets up, leaves, Owen sits there for a bit, drums with his chopsticks. He notices the recorder is still running, he starts talking into it] Hey, Jude, you left the recorder running, which means you are now the one who has to edit all this audio. These are the rules that have been established and now you must abide by them. So sayeth I!


OWEN: Oh, uh… never mind, just… never mind. Thanks. Cheers. [sighs]

JUDITH: Hey, Owen, grab your bag, I need to show you something downstairs.

OWEN: Uh, ok… why?

JUDITH: I’ll explain in a second, come on.

OWEN: You know that I’ve got some trust issues when it comes to following people into mysterious basements, right? This has gone poorly in the past.

JUDITH: Don’t worry, this should be way less haunted. I think.

OWEN: What do you want to show me?

JUDITH: Shh. Over here.

OWEN: A closet?

JUDITH: Shhhhhh.Look through that gap in the wall, where the drywall is all messed up. This is some shoddy construction down here. Here, phone flashlight.

OWEN: Sure. What am I kneeling in? Who knows! Probably bleach.[pause] Whoa.

JUDITH: Yeah, whoa indeed.

OWEN: What room is that? I didn’t see a door for it in the hall.

JUDITH: I don’t know but check out the walls.

OWEN: They’re covered in… writing?

JUDITH: Yeah, and it looks like similar writing to what was in Claire’s house. I bet that room is all that’s left of the old center.

OWEN: There’s stuff in there.

JUDITH: Yeah, and check it out.

OWEN: That is a… very small door.

JUDITH: Yeah, but it can get us in there.

OWEN: It’s… a coal door, I think? I don’t think I can fit through that, at least not comfortably.

JUDITH: I think I can. I’ll poke around and you can watch from the hole.

OWEN: Please be careful. And don’t get eaten by rats!

JUDITH: Ahhh,ok, errghhhh, right, [coughs] it is dusty in here.

OWEN: [off mic] What do you see?

JUDITH: [SFX: static] Other than all the dust? Uhhh… there’s a broken chair back here… two broken chairs… there’s rope on one of them, it’s… old. And crusty with… something gross, black and clotted, but I don’t know if that’s from oxidation… I hope it is. The ropes were cut through… after whatever this was got on them. Oh! There are books! This is just an old Maclean’s magazine, another Maclean’s… ah! This one is just called VENAE PORTAE. There’s also a little spiral bound notebook? Ugh, it smells awful and I don’t know what’s on it but… I’m gonna take it.

OWEN: [off mic] What do the walls say?

JUDITH: Uhhhh… let’s see what I can even make out, a lot of these are really worn… smoke heavy, unto this room offer the binding of the infernal chains, render unto us the protection of our guiding light, for we are the slayers of the profane, uhhh… ok, I can’t see that… we give blood into this binding, blood into these walls, blood into this room, blood unto this building, we shall build these barriers with the blood of our own and the sacrifice of those devout. This is… overwrought. And… oh.

OWEN: What?

JUDITH: I had assumed this was paint. I guess the blood unto this building thing was being taken very literally.

OWEN: I think you should get out of there. Take some photos and then we can leave.

JUDITH: Yeah… yeah,this place is giving me the creeps. Hang on…

OWEN: Jude, come on.

JUDITH: One sec, I just want to see what this says… it’s all dusty- [SFX: coughing].

OWEN: What happened?

JUDITH: [catching her breath] Ok, new rule, don’t touch the writing. Oh my god, feels like I just licked a car battery.

OWEN: Come on, I hear someone coming.

JUDITH: Yep, yep. Let’s just move that box back over the doo-[SFX: cut off by someone trying to open the door]

STAFF: [SFX: banging on door] Hey! Is someone in there? You’re not allowed in there! Employees only! Open the door!

JUDITH: Shit. Uhhh… [whispering] get these in your bag. [stalling, poorly] Hang on, uh… just… just a second, we’re just… making out!

OWEN: [mutters] Great cover up.

JUDITH: I know, right? Just a moment! I need to… uh… find my bra!

STAFF: What?

OWEN: You are so bad at this.

JUDITH: You got a better plan?

OWEN: We could just… run?

JUDITH: Yes, but this will confuse them first, giving us time to escape. Ok, we’re coming out! [SFX: door opens] Hey, sorry, just couldn’t help ourselves, young love, etc etc, ok really sorry, bye!


OWEN: Nope, sorry, can’t wait, we need to… uh… continue this elsewhere!

JUDITH: Too horny to stop! Oh god, uh… here’s like… $40, that covers everything. There should be a tip in there, sorry!

OWEN: Thank you for the lunch, it was delicious! I’m sure we’ll never be allowed back! Can’t say I’ve ever done anything like that before.

JUDITH: Same. But hey, we got some new books to check out.

OWEN: I don’t think that’s a net positive. What happened in there?

JUDITH: I touched the writing on the wall and I don’t think it liked that. It was just a quick brush, but it made my lungs feel like I’d been standing over a bonfire.

OWEN: Yeah, let’s try to avoid touching anything written in blood from now on. [pause] “Don’t come in, we’re making out”?

JUDITH: [laughing] I panicked! But it worked!

OWEN: Yes, but you also made us sound like… giddy teenagers.

JUDITH: Could be worse, could’ve made us sound like… nervous 30-something nerds committing minor crimes in the basement of a restaurant while trying to find ways to thwart a demonic presence. Which is what we are.

OWEN: Oh, well, when you put it like that…

JUDITH: If we’re teens again, does that mean that…

OWEN: Jude?

JUDITH: Owen, don’t turn around, just look in the rearview mirror. Please tell me I’m not seeing what I think I’m seeing.

OWEN: What? … is that Claire?

JUDITH: Ok, then I am seeing that.

OWEN: I assume you don’t want to say hi.

JUDITH: No, not at all-… she’s gone.

OWEN: What do you mean, she’s gone? [pause] What the…

JUDITH: She’s not there anymore. Are we losing it?

OWEN: Let’s just go-

[SFX: beep. Judith’s living room]

JUDITH: Owen, voice note time. I’m still thinking about the walls. I’m looking at the photos from yesterday, and… I really do think it’s the same handwriting as what was in Claire’s house, or like… similar? Probably not the same interior decorator though. I found my old notes. Claire and I talked about the writing on the walls. I know I have photos somewhere of the house. I’ll check in a bit.

I’ve been thinking about walls a lot lately. I’m spending a lot of time inside my apartment, the studio, your place… I’m lonely but I haven’t been seeing my other friends that often, I just… I don’t know what to talk about with them. I can’t tell them about what’s happened, because where would I even start? And I’m gonna be honest, I’m starting to get scared being here alone. I’ve never really felt this way before, but… I don’t know how safe I feel sometimes.

I don’t know, maybe I should cook more, or like… take up a hobby. Maybe I should try playing the guitar again, I bought one a year ago and I’ve barely played it, so I still have useless soft baby hands.

I’m struggling with whether or not I should mention anything to Lydia. At what point do you share your traumas with a new partner? How do you explain that your trauma is unexplainable? I feel like I’m still grieving Claire in a sense, because I… don’t know if I’ll ever really get her – the her I know – back. I don’t know. What kind of loss is this?

I wish I could call Claire.

[sigh] Ok, the writing on the wall.

I’ve been reading that book from the basement of the restaurant. The one where the pages weren’t stuck together with some sort of horrible black liquid which I really hope is ink but with our luck definitely is not. I haven’t been able to successfully pry them apart though, FYI. But yeah, the PORTAE one. It’s weird, I assume it’s fictional. I hope. It’s a story about a woman who wanders into a cave while trying to escape… something, I don’t know, it’s unclear, and she becomes lost. She is lost in the dark and just keeps heading deeper and deeper in, and even when she wants to leave, she won’t turn back. It doesn’t specify what’s out there, it’s just something that she has to get away from. It’s only described as the voice. But she gets to a cavern deep in the cave and decides that this is her home, she’s safe here, and she starts to make her mark on the walls, she breaks the bodies of the bugs and rats in the caves and uses the viscera for ink. She covers the walls in writing that protects the space, seals it off, and she sits and waits, and waits and waits until one day these people come in, she can smell their terror, their foul taint in the air, and she doesn’t even need to do anything, they just start to waste away in front of her. It is… very graphic. There are illustrations that I will never unsee. But yeah… she uses their blood to line the floor and walls in new writing, and waits for more to come. And when enough blood has spilled, when the pile of bones grows too high, the light of her righteousness will fill the cave, and she shall know her true power. She is the provenance, she is THE MOTHER, and the last page of the book is a drawing of the walls of her cathedral, and she is known as the first, and the last. It’s… it’s a distressing book to read at points.

The writing is… literally on the walls. That house is toxic. God, stupid stupid… stupid child. But the writing… I think it’s like this. It protects the space, and strengthens it from within, but it poisons what’s inside. I don’t remember it really affecting me when I stayed there but… I was only there a few days. I don’t really remember anything, but like, if it gave me a minor headache or something there’s no way I would’ve blamed the house, I would’ve just written it off. But it affected Claire.

Owen, I’m going to do something ill-advised. Hang on. I’ve been looking through the notebook from Claire’s place that I still have, I think there’s something in here that would have to do with the stuff in this book, at least tangentially… hang onyeah, so in this diary there’s a mention of [SFX: something drops on the floor]… uh… [SFX: something else drops] I’m going to look but I really don’t want to…


[SFX: beep. Judith’s living room. Phone call]

OWEN: [phone] Y’ello.

JUDITH: Hey, uh… Owen, it happened again.

OWEN: [phone] I told you, you have to let the bread fully rise or else it’s going to have a very bad crumb.

JUDITH: No, Claire! She was here and then she was… gone. Like before.

OWEN: [phone] Oh shit. Where was she?

JUDITH: Outside my window.

OWEN: [phone] What happened?

JUDITH: Stuff started to fall in here and then she just… appeared. Then she just disappeared just as fast.

OWEN: [phone] Shit, I should keep an eye out then. What were you doing?

JUDITH: Just reading through the book we found and comparing it to a diary… does this have to do with the books?

OWEN: [phone] Maybe? I don’t know. Neither of us were looking at them last time when she showed up.

JUDITH: Yeah. Still though. [SFX: knocking at the door] Oh shit, I completely forgot about Lydia coming over, hang on. Hey, what’s up?

LYDIA: Hey, I got you a smoothie on the way over, it’s got bee pollen in it-… you ok? You look pale.

JUDITH: Yeah, hey, sorry, just got spooked by something, nothing important, one sec, I was just talking to Owen.

LYDIA: Oh, right, you mentioned him.

OWEN: [phone] Tell her I say hi.

JUDITH: He says hi.

LYDIA: Hi. Shall we?

JUDITH: I gotta go. Talk later?

OWEN: [phone] Yeah, I’ll message you if anything happens. See ya.

JUDITH: Bye, and good luck.

OWEN: [phone] See ya

JUDITH: Ok, hey, thanks for coming over.

LYDIA: Yeah, what happened?

JUDITH: Oh, just… weird sounds. Y’know. Old building.

LYDIA: Oh man, yeah, I lived in a place that had at least 10 squirrels in the roof and the noises they made were so creepy. It was hell. But yeah, if you want to get away from it one morning, maybe you could join me for my workout class in the park?

JUDITH: Sure. You just have to promise me that it’s not just a lot of hill runs-

[SFX: beep. Outside, High Park. Owen is recording the sound of birds]

OWEN: -Ooh, come on, clean sample for the birdsong database… [SFX: motorcycle approaches] Oh not! Drive all the birds away, just great. [sighs] Ok…

ADAM: Oh, hey Owen, how’s it hanging?

OWEN: Uh, hi Adam. I’m fine, how’re you?

ADAM: I’m great. Just out for a ride, enjoying the weather. The crispness of the air is truly a delight. It’s a fantastic day to bask in this garden of earthly pleasures. Are you recording something?

OWEN: Uh, yeah, let me turn this off. [SFX: fumbles with the recorder but doesn’t turn it off] So yeah, just… out and about?

ADAM: Yeah, thought I’d see a bit more of the area. Haven’t been around High Park in ages. Do you live around here?

OWEN: I’m… more east, but there are certain birds around-

ADAM: That’s great.Hey, do you want to come by one night? Maybe spend some time with Claire and I? I feel like we left off on the wrong foot.

OWEN: Uh, maybe? I’ll have to see what’s coming up-

ADAM: Top notch. Look, I think it would be nice just to get to know each other. Really talk things out. You like hockey?

OWEN: I don’t really follow-

ADAM: Same. But look, I think we’ve got a lot of things in common and we should capitalize on that. It’s good to create new connections, new bonds. You’ve always seemed like a real nice guy.

OWEN: Thanks, I’m just-

ADAM: Yeah, totally. Look, I’ll drop you a line sometime, you can come by, and we can spend some time together. I feel like we’ve got a lot to offer each other, Owen. We have a lot we could teach you, if you’ll let us.

OWEN: Uhh, ok.

ADAM: Excellent. [big deep breath] Ahh, it’s good to feel it in your lungs! It’s poetry in motion. You like Harold Standish? Where the flowers come I surely go, reacting to the nightmare’s cold embrace. I ford the brook, where bloody waters flow, into the hollow chambers of my face.

OWEN: Who the heck is-

ADAM: Don’t worry about it. Alright, just thought I’d say hello, see you soon, bud.

OWEN: [pause] Ok…

[SFX: beep. Judith’s living room. Phone call]

JUDITH: Hello.

OWEN: [phone] Hey. Uh, something odd just happened.

JUDITH: What happened?

OWEN: Adam randomly accosted me and asked if I wanted to hang out with him and Claire. Or just him, if I preferred.

JUDITH: Like just you and him?

OWEN: [phone] Just me, baby.

JUDITH: Very weird.

OWEN: [phone] You’re telling me. There are only two things they could be gunning for: either they’re looking for a possible murder victim… me… or this is just a really weird way of propositioning me for a threesome.

JUDITH: I’m inclined to believe that it would be the first one.

OWEN: [phone] Yeah. Although… I mean… no, it’s death, it’s death. It’s bad.

JUDITH: Did you make plans?

OWEN: [phone] No, he just said he’d “call me.” At least he doesn’t have my number.

JUDITH: Yea-… oh, shit.

OWEN: [phone] What?

JUDITH: He does, because… I had gotten you to text him a few months ago.

OWEN: [phone] … right.

JUDITH: Sorry. Shit. Maybe he forgot about it?

OWEN: [phone] Didn’t you say he has a Rolodex? Who still has a Rolodex!?

JUDITH: Adam still has a Rolodex. {sigh] One more thing to worry about. I’m actually just on my way out because I’m “hanging out with Claire.”

OWEN: [phone] Wait, what? Is that… safe?

JUDITH: Who knows? I’m going to try get some answers, again.

OWEN: [phone] Ok, uh, let me know how that goes?

JUDITH: Will do. Wish me luck?

OWEN: [phone] Luck granted.

JUDITH: Thanks. I’ll message you later when I get back.

OWEN: [phone] Alright, stay safe.

JUDITH: You too. Bye.

OWEN: [phone] Bye.

[SFX: beep. Claire’s front porch]

CLAIRE: Hi, Judith!

JUDITH: Hey, how’s it going?

CLAIRE: Oh, so well! Come, let’s just hang out on the porch, isn’t it gorgeous now that Adam’s fixed it?

JUDITH: Yeah, it’s looking nice, it’s… good out here.

CLAIRE: Here, I made tea.

JUDITH: [sniffs] Wow, that is… very grassy.

CLAIRE: Parsley tea, I dried it myself. Lots of antioxidants.

JUDITH: Sure. So… uh, how’s it going? I see you’ve got your website up.

CLAIRE: Yeah! It’ll let my followers more easily access what I can offer them. Podcasts, courses…

JUDITH: Yeah, what are you offering? I checked but it’s all behind a paywall.

CLAIRE: Oh, you didn’t sign up?

JUDITH: I mean, I’d at least like to know in advance what I’d be signing up for in more detail.

CLAIRE: Ah, well, me and a few others I met at the retreat are offering classes on a few different topics, but right now we’re focusing on how to harness your core strengths in times of turmoil. How to… burn weakness out of your system and arise into something new. Something virile. Something that begins the metamorphosis, both in your life and in others.

JUDITH: Uh, cool, I guess. I dunno, for me it’s kind of wild that you’re into teaching, not something you had ever mentioned before.

CLAIRE: Haven’t we talked about this? I guess I should have remembered you’re not the greatest with listening sometimes.

JUDITH: Ok, ouch.

CLAIRE: Oh, Judith. It’s ok. You’re still my number one. I’ll always need you. Come on, give me a hug.

JUDITH: Uh, sure.[a little uncomfortable, she’s being hugged tight] Ok, that’s a little tight. You can relax. … Are you ok? … Come on, let go. Ow, ow! Claire. CLAIRE!

CLAIRE: Oh, sorry, I… don’t know what came over me. [tight] It’s just… so… good… to see you.

JUDITH: Can we talk about what’s been going on? I am real worried.

CLAIRE: I don’t think there’s anything to be concerned about. You trust me, right? Right, Judith? You trust me, tell me you trust me.

JUDITH: Claire.

CLAIRE: I know that you’ll be there for me when I need it.

JUDITH: I… just want to understand-

CLAIRE: Here, have some more tea.

JUDITH: Uh, thanks, I- JESUS that’s hot.

CLAIRE: Oh, is it? I guess I didn’t realize how warm it was. I am such a silly little goose sometimes.

JUDITH: Ahhh, goddamnit. You know what? I’m good for tea. Just… tell me more about what you’re… teaching.

CLAIRE: I’m so glad you asked! Have you ever felt overwhelmed or out of your depth and like the world is out of your control and you’re just drowning in the tides of the inevitable?

JUDITH: Constantly?

CLAIRE: Well, we teach people to be their own vessels. Their own beacon in the dark. This world can be cruel, and let’s face it, aspects of this world deserve to be destroyed. I think that we need to navigate our own existence. If we can learn to tap into it, we have more power than we ever could imagine. It’s just waiting to be harnessed. And of course, we also just share ways to live a healthier life. Have you ever considered using a Vitamin C serum? Your skin is looking a little dull-

JUDITH: No, I’m good, thanks. I already have one that I don’t use anyways.

CLAIRE: Well, let me know if you change your mind. Oh, would you like to come to a meeting tonight? I really think it might be good for you. And for us! I want you there.  

JUDITH: Maybe… another time. 

CLAIRE: Honestly, Judith, I think it’ll be good for you. I need you here.

JUDITH: We’ll see.

CLAIRE: I need you… here. I need…

JUDITH: Claire?

CLAIRE: [SFX: phone ringing] Oh, sorry! Business, not pleasure. [SFX: picks up phone] Hi Reggie,always a pleasure. Yep, I have time to talk!

[SFX: beep, Judith’s living room]

LYDIA: What song is that?

JUDITH: Oh, just… something I’ve been noodling around with. I’m trying to learn how to play properly. I do not think I’m succeeding.

LYDIA: I like it.

JUDITH: Thanks, but man, it makes my fingers hurt.

LYDIA: Need to build up that finger strength, you can start by doing tiny push-ups.

JUDITH: But I’m so tired.

LYDIA: Oh, that reminds me, I wanted to show you this video on Instagram. Can I just use your phone? You still follow A Lambent Life? I thought you two had a falling out.

JUDITH: Oh, uh, yeah, mostly just out of curiosity. I’m watching from a distance now. Why?

LYDIA: Just useful for me to know if you’re still stalking your exes.

JUDITH: She’s not my ex.

LYDIA: Might as well be with the way you talk about her. Anyway, it’s funny, I heard about her awhile ago from my dad. My family is pretty into that scene, all about that bougie holistic life.


LYDIA: Yeah, there’s some stuff that I feel like I grew out of once I left the house, but I do what I can to make them happy.I get why people are into her, though. What was she like when you were friends?

JUDITH: I… I don’t really want to talk about her now.Sorry, it’s still a bit raw.

LYDIA: You’re so cagey about it.Do you still want to be friends with her?

JUDITH: This only happened a few months ago, it still feels too… new. And I just want the Claire I used to be friends with back, not this… poreless living embodiment of The Secret.

LYDIA: Hmm. Well, hopefully you get that someday. If you ever do want to talk about it, feel free.

JUDITH: [sigh] Thanks.

LYDIA: Ok, apparently, I’ve just made you moody, so no more internet for you tonight.

JUDITH: Hey, I need that, I have a lot of mindless Reddit scrolling to do.

LYDIA: Nope, nope, the old people were right, kids are on their phones way too much. Now if you do want someone who can tell you what to do, I might be able to arrange something-

[SFX: beep]